Monday, May 28, 2012

More Potty Training Trouble HELP!!

     Well, we are here again!!  I am so frustrated and really don't know what to do.  Jayden has been pee trained for over a year and a half.  He wears regular underwear all day every day.  So our trouble is when it comes to poop.  Jayden still refuses to poop in the potty.  He doesn't have accidents or anything, but he will ask for a diaper.  If we don't give him a diaper he will hold it, literally hold it for days.  I have been talking to Jayden about this for some time now.  He tells me he is only 3 and 3 year olds poop in a diaper, but when he turns 4 he will go on the potty.  Well, his birthday is this next Sunday.  I have this week off work and I told him the whole week we will celebrate that he turns 4.  And he has been excited for this to happen.  And during this celebration he will no longer have diapers.  I told him he must use the potty because I will not put a diaper on him.  So Friday he came home from the sitters house and asked for a diaper.  I told him that starts our "No More Diapers" time and he needs to use the potty.  So he held it.  Saturday he asked a few times for a baby diaper and I told him no.  He keeps holding it.  He asks John and I have to speak up and say, "no remember you 4 years old now and you need to use the potty."  John reminds him to use the potty.  (of course I know that if I wasn't around John would just give in).

     Sunday comes and again he asks for a baby diaper and I remind him once again to use the potty.  Now he has held it since Friday afternoon.  I know its going to come down to a fight real soon.  Monday morning he asks for a baby diaper and I know he is getting really uncomfortable.  I finally take him to the potty and sit him down.  He immediately starts crying and saying he doesn't need to go poop.  He keeps crying as I continue to keep him on the potty.  I am talking to him.  He says he wants his daddy (cause he will save him).  So John comes and we both sit with him in the bathroom.  I know that Jayden wants me to leave because he can easily manipulate daddy, but I don't.  I get him a drink of milk as he sits there, laces with a little stool softener.  He continues to cry and finally says, "I'm tired!  Can I go to sleep now?"  Not it is only 10:30 in the morning and he usually doesn't nap until the earliest 11:30, but usually closer to 12 or 1.  But I say find you can go to bed.  He asks for his underwear and takes his nap.  He sleeps his usual 2-3 hour nap.  When he wakes up I ask him if he needs to go potty and of course he says no.  He curls up in my lap for a while and has a snack.  He has a little orange juice with a little more stool softener in it.
     We then went outside to play in the pool.  Pretty much the whole time I can tell he is trying to hold it and stop his poop.  He asks to go pee so we go inside to pee.  He gets upset when I make him sit on the potty to pee (he likes to stand at the big potty).  But I was hoping the sitting would help him need to go poop.  Anyway, it didn't and he only pee'd.  We go back outside for like 15 minutes before it is very apparent that he really has to go.  So I sit him on the potty.  He cries and cries as expected.  Every time he feels it come on he stands up and cries more.  I have to kind of hug/hold him.  He calls for daddy so of course John comes and sits with him.  After a couple minutes John leaves to use the bathroom himself.  Jayden tells me he has to pee and wants to go on the big potty.  So I take him to the big potty and he tries to pee, but nothing.  I sit him on the big potty hoping that helps him go, but he cries more and more.  He tells me he is tired again and wants to sleep on the couch.  John comes in and says, "This is not working!"  That tells me he is ready to give in and give up, and he barely did anything since he kept leaving while I deal with it all.  Of course I am the mean mommy at this point.  I hold Jayden in my arms and I just can't take it anymore so I bust out crying.  Dealing with Jayden's cries, little support from John, and pregnancy hormones I just am done.  I take Jayden to the couch and bust out crying.  Jayden is confused and John is annoyed.  I have to explain to Jayden that mommy is crying because I want to help him be a big boy and go poop on the potty.  I also tell him I don't want to be a mean mommy.  John says, "your not a bad mom."  I remind him that I work with 2 and 4 year olds everyday and the only children that come in not potty trained are those with a disability or with parents that just don't try.  And Jayden has no disabilities!  I finally leave the room.

     I return a call to my mom as she called while all this was happening.  She is also not sure why Jayden is so stubborn.  I can hear John and Jayden playing and having a great time.  Maybe about 30-40 minutes later I am come out and of course Jayden doesn't want to come near me because I was the big meanie!  After a little bit I can tell Jayden needs to go again, but he tells John in a whisper "go in my room quiet" and tells me, "shhh don't talk mommy."  I ask him what is going on (knowing what he is doing) and he says, "nothing just stay here and don't talk."  He goes in his room, closes the door and whispers to John, "Daddy don't talk loud, but put a baby diaper on me."  I tell John I know what he is doing and he should not do it because it undermines everything I am trying to do.  He tells Jayden lets try the potty and Jayden refuses, so it only takes about a minute and John puts a diaper on him!!!!  I am so mad at this point.  John says, "well he keeps farting and he's got to go." I tell him yea because I gave him a stool softner and he has to go sometime, but now he just erased all that I did.  John doesn't care... so now I get him all week and I get to start all over as the mean mommy!!  I know that if Jayden just lets it happen once he will see its not that bad, but he refuses. And now worse he is pitting John and I against each other and as if he wasn't already a daddy's boy, but now he doesn't want anything to do with me.  I am now MEAN MOMMY!!!

     Any advice on what to do I would appreciate!!  I am at a loss and I have NO support now.  I fear that my child is beginning to hate me.  I almost feel like giving up on everything.. I don't know why I even try when I get no appreciation from John or Jayden for what I do.  Sorry this has turned into a rant, but I am at a total loss at this point.


  1. Wow, first of all, that sounds so stressful! I hate it when my husband and I aren't on the same page. I feel like he spoils our daughter, and makes me feel like a big mean mommy in the process too. So you are not alone there. As for actual advice, my daughter had a similar problem. She was extremely constipated for months after we ditched diapers. She'd hold it, and go only in the bath. And when she finally did go, it would be so painful and she'd bleed. I just kept doing what you did, and she eventually went on the potty. Well, not her little potty, but the big toilet with a potty seat, she seemed to like that better. I'd bribe/reward her with whatever I could think of. I even went on a few trips to the grocery store and toy store, buying her anything and everything she wanted and telling her the whole time it would be a reward for pooping on the potty. She got more used to the idea and wanted to try it, though she would cry and back out of it at first. After a short rough patch, she got used to it, and I haven't had an issue since. I stopped giving her baths until she was pooping on the toilet (only showers)... So maybe you should clear diapers completely out of the house? Remove the "crutch" so he has no choice but to go on the potty? Well, good luck!!

  2. I don't have any "real" advice as my youngest didn't have trouble with poop when it came to potty training. There were constipation issues as a baby (well once solid food was started). It ended up where I could tell when A was about to poop and would rush off to the potty. I didn't do the stool softener route but I did prune juice (first mixed with other juice until I realized A would drink it as is).

    One thing might be to find something he likes and try to use that as an incentive. For instance if he likes stickers, maybe give him a sticker every time he sits on the potty regardless of whether he poops. Offer extra stickers for going poop.

    Maybe try offering him one M&M (or something, a few fruit snacks, etc.) when he poops.

    Or maybe have something special he is only allowed to do when sitting on the potty to poop (maybe bubbles in the house or a special toy).

    Or maybe even a special thing he wants to do after he poops in the potty say, 3 times. And then he can pick out other things and adjust the number of times depending on what it is. For instance maybe a park day is 3 times, McDonalds is 5 times and a movie is 7 times or whatever.

    It's hard when you don't have the support. John needs to understand that there is a process and if he undermines the process, it will take longer for Jayden to get it. You could make the analogy of him giving alcohol/drugs to an alcoholic/drug addict (which sounds bad but is true). It's frustrating because sometimes I get no support and sometimes I get the opposite support (as in he allows what I said no to).

    Good luck!

  3. You need to have a serious talk with your husband and get on the same page. I'd be tempted to tell my husband that he gets to be in charge of potty training, if he's not going to let me do it, but I think that's probably a petty a childish response. Definitely talk to him, without your son around, and make a plan that BOTH of you are willing to follow through with. Good luck, hun! And try not to stress over it too much, boys tend to take longer, especially in the poo department, he may just not feel ready for that step yet. That's no fault of yours; it just means you all need more time (and patience--not easy!). Hang in there. I promise he won't go off to college in diapers, no matter how long it seems like it's taking him to go in the potty now! :-)

  4. I think you were doing the right thing. My hubby would do the same thing, so I have work around him and get creative. Throw the baby diapers away or hide them from the hubby if you want to save them for the baby. My son went in stages of potty training and it took awhile, but you are doing good with keeping with what you are telling him. Keep up the work this week!!

  5. I recommend leaving your husband taking jayden with you and completing this task away from this unsupportive undermining spouse.

    Step 1` Make Jayden change his own diaper after he poops in them

    Step 2 if he fights this 1 or 2 times preform the task hand over hand making sure his had gets visibly dirt with poop.(kids hate this)

    Step 3 Offer the potty before giving the diaper (remind him that if he uses the diaper he has to change himself) on the little potty he has to sit, but offer to allow him to squat on the big potty by standing on the seat. since most babies and young children prefer to squat to poop, and this can help over come that issue. You may have to help support him so he feels safe.

    Step 4 if he starts retaining take him to the doctor ask for a prescription for Lactalose This is a laxitive as also used for other medical conditions but it is much more gentle than Ducalax. Us this so that your son will not be able to retain. Sool softeners are great but you may need an actual laxitive to overcome your childs will.

    Step 5 make sure Jayden is consistently using the potty for everything then you can return home.

    I am a nurse and I have helped potty train several children. Some that were willful. Plus my mom also raised a child like Jayden that would pee and not poop in the potty. She was at her wits end and finally when she made my brother change himself even though he cried the entire time and fought her the entire time it only took 3 times in a row of making him change himself and he never with held or pooped in his pants again. My mom used cloth diapers so my brother had to rise his diaper out in the toilet so you may have to buy a cloth diaper so that he has to rinse it out in the the toilet. Paper diapers swell and fall apart if you try to rinse them in the toilet.

    Hope this helps. I not recommeding a divorce but I do thing that the only way your going to succeed in getting Jayden to potty train is to take your Husband out of the picture. Because all of these failed attempts have taught Jayden is that all he has to do to get a diaper is hold out long enough to wear daddy out and that daddy will give in. So take daddy out of the picture. I do believe that you need support so have a friend of family member that can back you up. You can even call it Poopy Boot Camp.

  6. I'm new to the story, so I don't know what you've previously tried. First of all, I would DEFINITELY recommend setting up an incentive system with Jayden so he has a reason to want to use the potty. (And since you're at this level of battle, I say screw the single M&M stage and pull out the big guns. Let him pick out a toy at the store or a special treat or an outing, whatever he wants! And then withhold it until he's gone poop in the potty. Once he's done it a few times you can gradually decrease the size of the reinforcement, but for now, you need something SUPER motivating!)

    Second of all, when he wears the diaper, how does he poop? (Does he stand? Does he squat? Does he go to a specific location?) There's clearly something different about sitting on a toilet that is upsetting him (and when you think about it, if you're used to pooping while standing, or while sitting on the floor in a diaper, that's a LOT different than sitting or dangling over a huge hole in a toilet seat!) I've worked with a lot of kids who prefer to stand or squat, and that's not easy to do on a toilet, but I'm sure you can figure SOMETHING out to make him more comfortable. If it's the feel of the diaper he likes, you can have him start by sitting on the toilet whenever he wears the diaper to poop (having him help dispose of the poop into the toilet after would probably be a good idea, also). Once he's used to pooping while seated on the toilet, you can cut a hole out of the diaper so that the poop goes out of the diaper and into the toilet. The step after that is getting him to do it without the diaper on at all.

    I've done toilet training with a LOT of kids with Autism, so I can say that you're not the first parent and child to have this issue. This sounds like one of those situations where you need to stand back and try to objectively evaluate, "What is it about using the diaper that is so appealing to him?" and from there you can say, "Okay, what part of this equation can I change to get my desired outcome?" Good luck!